Scared but happy

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Wednesday evening, after everything went amazingly well (see my last post) I had a really quite evening with Anthony. Then Marc called me and I went over to his place to work on the designs (and prepare to the meeting with the mysterious Marilyn).
Well, we worked till we ran out of fabric, Marc went to get some wine and beer and then one thing led to another and we found ourselves fucking like two stupid people who don’t like their lives or who they are.
You know, if you asked me a week ago I could have sworn that I love Anthony, that I love him a lot.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling now, I think it’s called a relief, excitement, adventurous, I think it’s called alive.
I think I haven’t felt like that for the last couple of years or so.
I thought I was alive, I thought I loved my life, my boyfriend, my house.
I’m now understanding that I was stuck in the museum of good life “that’s how it should look like. Don’t touch! Don’t move!”
Even the fucking T-shirts were ironed and folded nicely into their selves.
I have no idea what I’m going to do now, where I’m gonna go
Last evening I told Anthony. I didn’t plan to but I just couldn’t act as if everything was normal. I couldn’t act as if I liked to be with him anymore.
I just told him everything that has happened (he even wanted to know the most technical details of what we did)
He told me I couldn’t stay there for the night.
I was very surprised to feel happy about it.
I think that was the moment when I actually understood it all
And when he asked me why I did that it just came out of my mouth:
“I wasn’t happy". I’m not happy with him anymore.

I spent the entire night walking in the streets (after I’ve tried Marc but the little shit was too scared to let me sleep at his place) I’m now at Angie’s but will not be able to spend more then one night here. At least I could take a shower :)

I’m homeless but for the first time in a very long fucking time I’m living my life.
I think it’s quite optimistic